The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 6)

The final session of our marriage preparation course was about shared goals and values. While I understood and related to the other four sessions, it took me some time to truly understand what shared goals and values really meant.

Now that we’re married, it makes more sense. Prior to this, I assumed we share the same goals and values. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be together for so long. But that wasn’t entirely true. Having the same goals and values involved all that we learnt in the previous four sessions, and more. Wei Jien and I are very different, and while we have a lot of common interests, we don’t always agree with each other’s goals and values. The key to overcome this is to listen, understand and compromise.

There’s no guidebook to doing so – you have to learn as you progress into the marriage. I’m writing this from experience, based on my two months of marriage. Wei Jien has always been the more mature and understanding one, and I believe he has a better understanding of this topic long before we joined the course.

I only realized this when I was doing some reflection on us recently. We’ve gone through plenty of ups and downs while dating and more often than not, he always placed my needs before his. He insisted that I went to UK to further my studies because the courses there were better. We survived that long-distance relationship.

In 2008, he persuaded me to pursue a dream that I had for many years – to join beauty pageants. Despite all the negativity beauty pageants had (and still have), all he wanted was for me to be happy.

In 2010, I decided to quit my fulltime job to figure out what I want to do with my life. During those 3 months, he supported me emotionally and financially, until I got a new job. I always told myself that I could do what he did for me when the time comes. Easier said than done – it takes a lot of strength and faith to actually put this into action.

One of his goals in life is to work abroad and he’s been talking about this for the past 4 years. If he does go abroad, it only makes sense that I go with him. Thing is, going with him means leaving everything I have behind. My family, friends, social life, career...you get the picture.

It was only then that I understood the meaning of shared goals and values. You won’t always have the same goals in life, but you learn work with it. Compromise with one another, without any feeling of regret or resentment. Only then, can the marriage grow stronger and become more rewarding.

Wei Jien + Sue Lynn // This Way Darling (2011)

This video is a great narration of our love story...by Nigel Sia & team. It was showcased to our guests during the wedding dinner. I think Nigel and his team did a great job -- all the planning, doing up the storyboard and the long 12-hour day of video shoot really paid off!

Once again, I present to you our love story...by Nigel Sia & team!

Wei Jien + Sue Lynn // This Way Darling (2011) from Nigel Sia on Vimeo.

*Check out our ROM video here!

ROM Pictures

My photography team has a lot of pictures to edit from my actual wedding day, so here are the pictures of our ROM last month while waiting for them to get back to me.

Wei Jien & Sue Lynn's ROM

I can't get over how beautiful the flower decor was that day. Thank you Garden of Senses! And the food from Spasso Milano was delicious. Thank you Daniel, Pierre, Angelo and team!

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 5)

Keeping Love Alive - What is your love language?

In my wedding vow to Wei Jien, I promised be his confidant. That was after learning how important it is to be a friend to your spouse. Friends confide in each other, spend time together and have conversations together. Wei Jien was first my friend, before we started dating, so naturally, we shared a lot of common interests together.


We'd go for food trips, mini vacations, coffee sessions, window shopping and watch TV series. During the fifth session of TMPC, we learnt about love languages and how each individual has a different love language. Often, our love language is different from our partner's so we need to understand that and take the effort to show it often.


For me, my love languages are "time" and "words". I feel happy when Wei Jien spends time with me and talks to me. I also love compliments and words of encouragement. Wei Jien's love languages are "touch" and "words". He likes receiving hugs and kisses, as well as words of encouragement and praise.


And in every strong marriages, sex plays an important role. Putting aside one night stands and random shag buddies, sex is communication at the deepest level. It is an expression of love within the marriage. I learnt that the key to a good sexual relationship is to talk about it -- your expectations, your thoughts and your problems (if any). Sex isn't a race or a competition. Every marriage is unique, so never compare yourselves with another couple.


This session made me realise that Wei Jien knows me better than I know myself -- he always knew that my love language was time. And he makes an effort to spend as much time as he can with me. :)

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 4)

Resolving Conflict

Conflict happens to us all the time and it gets more frequent when we enter a marriage. That’s because we’re all different and selfish by nature. In our marriage preparation course, Wei Jien and I learnt how to identify and deal with our differences. When we did the personality test during the first session of TMPC, one of our weaknesses was our inability to resolve conflicts effectively.

First, we identified the type of anger we have – rhino (explode) and hedgehog (bury). We both have rhino and hedgehog tendencies, but in general, I’m more of a rhino and he’s more of a hedgehog. Next, we were encouraged to look for solutions to the problems we faced.

The important thing we both learnt in this session was never to use words like, “You always…” and “You never…”. Many couples are guilty of making this mistake and it is going to take time (and effort) to change this. We're still guilty of making this mistake, but hope to overcome this in time. Prior to this, either one of us would have give in to the other whenever we faced conflict. This “I win, you lose” situation got us through the years, but it was hardly ideal. Now, we sit down, talk and listen to one another, and identify the issue. Once we agree on an action plan, we work on it together.

Marriage involves sharing everything. We’re moving from “I”, to “us”. It’s no longer my money, my car and my home. Instead we have to look at things from an “us” perspective – our money, our car and our home. That’s going to be difficult for many people, especially if you’ve been living independently for a long time. We also addressed our attitude towards money – Wei Jien and I are both ‘savers’, so that made things a bit better. It’s also good to discuss about who will manage the finances and do a yearly forecast of your expenses. Obviously, Wei Jien will be doing that.

With conflict, there’s bound to be hurt. That’s when we need to learn to put away our pride and say sorry. Asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness is the only way a marriage can move forward. It makes sense, although I find it difficult to just forgive and move on in general. Yes, I’m one of those people who keep unresolved issues buried until shit hits the fan.

This session, together with sagely advices from our support couple (I’ll talk about that soon) gave Wei Jien and I pointers on how to deal with our differences. We’ve reduced interrupting each other and attempt to be more reasonable when it comes to finding a solution – the “US” solution. Not quite there yet, but it's only a matter of time...

The Marriage Preparation Course - Support Couple

"LEARN TO COMPLIMENT MORE THAN TO COMPROMISE." 

That was one of the few advices our support couple gave us. After doing the couple's personality test, Wei Jien and I were assigned a support couple who would help us address our strengths and weaknesses as a couple. We were invited into their home and dined with the whole family. It also gave us a sense of perspective what to expect in future.


Once we were done with dinner, we discussed our test results. True enough, the results were as we predicted. Our strengths lie in our willingness to be open to each other, our understanding of one another and our similar interests. However, we need to work more on how to resolve conflicts and managing our very different personalities. Wei Jien and I are total opposites.


All this while, we've learnt to work around the conflicts but never really addressed the root of the problem -- our personality. After a long discussion, we realized this problem might seem minor for now, but once we move in together and start a family, things will get complicated with the unaddressed conflicts.


By the end of the night, I realized there's so much more required in a marriage than just love, commitment, compatibility, communication and patience. For Wei Jien, he has a better understanding of what to expect in the future when problems arise.

Our support couple taught us this, "You build trust over trust". If your partner knows he/she can tell you anything and everything without being worried you might react badly/use it against them, then he/she will be able to trust you with their deepest emotions. They will share their problems and thoughts with you. That is one of the key foundations to a strong marriage. To me, it's easier said than done. But for the marriage to work, we're going to try our best. 


**We were at their place for dinner again last night, addressing issues such as managing finances and setting life goals as a couple. I found that session difficult, and the questions/obstacles given by our support couple got Wei Jien and I tongue-tied for a while. All this while, we thought we had everything covered and planned out. The fact that we failed to solve a few difficult questions made us realise, that there was still so much to learn and so many areas to strengthen.  

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 3)

The third session of our marriage preparation course touched on commitment. Until recently, I always assumed marriage was just a formality. A step after being in a stable relationship. It is a step after, but marriage means much more than that. Being committed to your partner means factoring him/her into your life. It’s no longer about ‘Me”. It’s now, “Us”. 


Marriage is the closest of human relationships; it is the ideal companionship, in my opinion. A friend once told me, "Aiya...cohabitation is about the same thing as marriage. And I don't have to spend so much money on a wedding." I think marriage is a stronger form of commitment. It is the unity of two beings and a lifetime commitment.

From what I understand, commitment means investing in the marriage, spending quality time with one another and making a point to know what’s happening in each other’s life. A strong marriage requires great commitment and trust, which can break the cycle of failed relationships. No matter how busy the both of you may be, it is always advisable to unwind together and keep abreast with what is happening. The last thing you would want is for your partner to relate his/her worries, feelings and thoughts with colleagues.


Having common interest(s) helps; you can enjoy your favourite activities while spending time together. For example, the both of you may enjoy swimming. Then make it a point to go for swims together and spend time with one another. Setting aside marriage time is very important as it keeps love and romance alive. Date nights at least once a week is good, and make it a point to go for mini vacations together. That way, it will help rekindle romance and strengthen the marriage.


We also learnt that no human being is the same, so there will be times where you don't share the same interests with your partner. In such cases, try setting time aside for the both of you to do the things you love, separately. Wei Jien plays badminton on Tuesday and sometimes futsal on Wednesdays. During that time he spends with his friends, I go out for dinner/drinks with my girlfriends. So far, it has worked for us. He comes home feeling good after a few games, and I come home happy after a few drinks.


Another thing we've learnt is to deal with change of loyalties towards our parents. After marriage, there will be a new centre of gravity, and a new priority: your spouse. This session taught us how to manage emotions and deal with this new structure.The sofa couple that day spoke about how they dealt with their in-laws and living arrangements when they got married -- they live with the husband's mother.


Living with the in-laws isn't ideal for many, but for some, it can be a blessing when you learn a bit of give and take, and respect your in-law's house rules. I also learnt the keyword INTERFACE. For example, say you're not pleased with how your mother-in-law interrupts quality time between the both of you. It is not appropriate (and also not your place) to talk to your mother-in-law about that. Your husband will need to act as an interface and talk to his mother with regards to that matter. He needs to be the one who sets the boundaries. The same thing goes if the situation was reversed. I can't expect Wei Jien to talk to my mother regarding conflicts. I need to be the interface for that.


We will be living with his parents for about a year after we get married, while waiting for our new place to be ready so we found what the sofa couple shared with us very helpful.

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 2)

Our second session of TPMC (The Marriage Preparation Course) started off pretty bumpy. See, Wei Jien and I had an argument right before that and I would rather spend 3 hours strangling him than to proceed with the course. But the subject that week was communication and how important good communication is for a strong foundation in marriage.

How to listen to your other half. I believe I speak for the ladies -- we want a husband/partner who can listen and empathize with our situation. Many of us listen, but do we REALLY pay attention to what our other half is saying? What he/she is going through? How he/she feels? Because of that, we fail to understand what is really bothering our partners and the reason they are upset. The key to this is to listen, reflect, listen and EMPATHIZE.


To be honest, when I'm ranting to Wei Jien about work or someone I dislike, I want him to just listen to the crap I holler out. Not give me solutions like..."You should do this, this and this so your boss will stop giving you problems," or "You should treat her this way so you'll feel better." Many of us don't want a problem solver; we want a good listener. The problem solver is a secondary thing, from what I understand and personally feel. 


We also learnt about how different families and upbringing methods mould who we are and what we expect in when we enter a marriage. When I first had dinner with his family and extended family, I was overwhelmed by their constant chatter. But after a few months, I was able to blend in, enjoy their company and follow their conversations.


Wei Jien on the other hand found dinners with my family extremely quiet and serious. I don't blame him. We hardly ate together as a family when I was growing up, simply because we were so pressed for time. I had night tuitions, my father worked late, brother had classes...etc. We only ate together during weekends, and even so, not with relatives. So that's a big difference in terms of our family upbringing. 


Then there are habits of our parents that influence us, in more ways than we would like. My mother never allowed me to use the microwave when I was growing up, but Wei Jien's family uses the microwave for almost everything...including boiling water! I didn't get that, and until today, I don't. 

If there was one sagely advice a support couple gave us that day, it was this: The both of you are playing the same team. It's not about being right or winning. It's about teamwork and understanding, something many couples fail to comprehend. I believe that is one of my biggest weaknesses. I always think Wei Jien is attacking me when he talks about how upset he feels with some of my actions. But what he really wanted was to voice his innermost feelings. The same applies for me too. I guess that's something we need to work on more.


This isn't something we can fix overnight. After all, marriage takes practice, effort and hard work. Like every other thing you do, the more effort you put in, the better you get. We're never going to stop learning about each other. I've known Wei Jien for more than 13 years, and I'm still learning new things about him as the relationship progresses.

Come to think of it, this course isn't so bad after all. It has so far, helped us understand our problems and address them in a proper, loving and more appropriate way. But that doesn't mean we won't have conflicts. We will always have conflicts as we are two very different individuals. However, I hope to learn more about resolving conflicts in the next session this coming Saturday.


Oh...and we went home not feeling angry at each other after that session. :)

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 1)

Wei Jien and I attended the first session of our wedding preparation course last Saturday. Truth be told, I only enrolled for this because both our parents insisted on it. Also, a good friend of mine thought it would help prepare us for a life of togetherness. I guess it helped him prepare for marriage. 

We made our way to class in Damansara Perdana -- Wei Jien, with an open mind and myself, with my guard up. I'm usually very hesitant when it comes to things I'm unsure of, and this course was one of them. We joined 5 other couples in this marriage preparation course. The people conducting the course were very friendly and understood my reservations. They assured me that my privacy will not be invaded and I can remain in my comfort zone throughout the 6 weeks. That eased my tension, a little.


During the first session, we were asked to do a couple's compatibility test. 165 questions and we had to shade the answers...just like UPSR, PMR and SPM. That was my least favourite part of the course. Wei Jien felt the same way. Support couples (those who have been happily married for years and some who went through the course previously) were there to share their thoughts and experiences. 

Scenarios such as, "Where to live?", "Who takes care of the baby?", "Who does the cooking", "Who should contribute more to the household finances?" and "Who does the chores?" were addressed. We were also asked to label these things according to their importance to us:

1) Myself

2) My spouse

3) My children

4) My work

5) My community

The answers from all of us varied. Even Wei Jien's answers and mine weren't the same. But we were encouraged to talk about it and reason with each other on why we chose our answers. I won't tell you what our answers were, but why don't you do this mini test with your spouse, girlfriend or fiancee? It does help see where the relationship is heading.