The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 3)

The third session of our marriage preparation course touched on commitment. Until recently, I always assumed marriage was just a formality. A step after being in a stable relationship. It is a step after, but marriage means much more than that. Being committed to your partner means factoring him/her into your life. It’s no longer about ‘Me”. It’s now, “Us”. 


Marriage is the closest of human relationships; it is the ideal companionship, in my opinion. A friend once told me, "Aiya...cohabitation is about the same thing as marriage. And I don't have to spend so much money on a wedding." I think marriage is a stronger form of commitment. It is the unity of two beings and a lifetime commitment.

From what I understand, commitment means investing in the marriage, spending quality time with one another and making a point to know what’s happening in each other’s life. A strong marriage requires great commitment and trust, which can break the cycle of failed relationships. No matter how busy the both of you may be, it is always advisable to unwind together and keep abreast with what is happening. The last thing you would want is for your partner to relate his/her worries, feelings and thoughts with colleagues.


Having common interest(s) helps; you can enjoy your favourite activities while spending time together. For example, the both of you may enjoy swimming. Then make it a point to go for swims together and spend time with one another. Setting aside marriage time is very important as it keeps love and romance alive. Date nights at least once a week is good, and make it a point to go for mini vacations together. That way, it will help rekindle romance and strengthen the marriage.


We also learnt that no human being is the same, so there will be times where you don't share the same interests with your partner. In such cases, try setting time aside for the both of you to do the things you love, separately. Wei Jien plays badminton on Tuesday and sometimes futsal on Wednesdays. During that time he spends with his friends, I go out for dinner/drinks with my girlfriends. So far, it has worked for us. He comes home feeling good after a few games, and I come home happy after a few drinks.


Another thing we've learnt is to deal with change of loyalties towards our parents. After marriage, there will be a new centre of gravity, and a new priority: your spouse. This session taught us how to manage emotions and deal with this new structure.The sofa couple that day spoke about how they dealt with their in-laws and living arrangements when they got married -- they live with the husband's mother.


Living with the in-laws isn't ideal for many, but for some, it can be a blessing when you learn a bit of give and take, and respect your in-law's house rules. I also learnt the keyword INTERFACE. For example, say you're not pleased with how your mother-in-law interrupts quality time between the both of you. It is not appropriate (and also not your place) to talk to your mother-in-law about that. Your husband will need to act as an interface and talk to his mother with regards to that matter. He needs to be the one who sets the boundaries. The same thing goes if the situation was reversed. I can't expect Wei Jien to talk to my mother regarding conflicts. I need to be the interface for that.


We will be living with his parents for about a year after we get married, while waiting for our new place to be ready so we found what the sofa couple shared with us very helpful.