The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 2)

Our second session of TPMC (The Marriage Preparation Course) started off pretty bumpy. See, Wei Jien and I had an argument right before that and I would rather spend 3 hours strangling him than to proceed with the course. But the subject that week was communication and how important good communication is for a strong foundation in marriage.

How to listen to your other half. I believe I speak for the ladies -- we want a husband/partner who can listen and empathize with our situation. Many of us listen, but do we REALLY pay attention to what our other half is saying? What he/she is going through? How he/she feels? Because of that, we fail to understand what is really bothering our partners and the reason they are upset. The key to this is to listen, reflect, listen and EMPATHIZE.


To be honest, when I'm ranting to Wei Jien about work or someone I dislike, I want him to just listen to the crap I holler out. Not give me solutions like..."You should do this, this and this so your boss will stop giving you problems," or "You should treat her this way so you'll feel better." Many of us don't want a problem solver; we want a good listener. The problem solver is a secondary thing, from what I understand and personally feel. 


We also learnt about how different families and upbringing methods mould who we are and what we expect in when we enter a marriage. When I first had dinner with his family and extended family, I was overwhelmed by their constant chatter. But after a few months, I was able to blend in, enjoy their company and follow their conversations.


Wei Jien on the other hand found dinners with my family extremely quiet and serious. I don't blame him. We hardly ate together as a family when I was growing up, simply because we were so pressed for time. I had night tuitions, my father worked late, brother had classes...etc. We only ate together during weekends, and even so, not with relatives. So that's a big difference in terms of our family upbringing. 


Then there are habits of our parents that influence us, in more ways than we would like. My mother never allowed me to use the microwave when I was growing up, but Wei Jien's family uses the microwave for almost everything...including boiling water! I didn't get that, and until today, I don't. 

If there was one sagely advice a support couple gave us that day, it was this: The both of you are playing the same team. It's not about being right or winning. It's about teamwork and understanding, something many couples fail to comprehend. I believe that is one of my biggest weaknesses. I always think Wei Jien is attacking me when he talks about how upset he feels with some of my actions. But what he really wanted was to voice his innermost feelings. The same applies for me too. I guess that's something we need to work on more.


This isn't something we can fix overnight. After all, marriage takes practice, effort and hard work. Like every other thing you do, the more effort you put in, the better you get. We're never going to stop learning about each other. I've known Wei Jien for more than 13 years, and I'm still learning new things about him as the relationship progresses.

Come to think of it, this course isn't so bad after all. It has so far, helped us understand our problems and address them in a proper, loving and more appropriate way. But that doesn't mean we won't have conflicts. We will always have conflicts as we are two very different individuals. However, I hope to learn more about resolving conflicts in the next session this coming Saturday.


Oh...and we went home not feeling angry at each other after that session. :)