The Marriage Preparation Course - Support Couple

"LEARN TO COMPLIMENT MORE THAN TO COMPROMISE." 

That was one of the few advices our support couple gave us. After doing the couple's personality test, Wei Jien and I were assigned a support couple who would help us address our strengths and weaknesses as a couple. We were invited into their home and dined with the whole family. It also gave us a sense of perspective what to expect in future.


Once we were done with dinner, we discussed our test results. True enough, the results were as we predicted. Our strengths lie in our willingness to be open to each other, our understanding of one another and our similar interests. However, we need to work more on how to resolve conflicts and managing our very different personalities. Wei Jien and I are total opposites.


All this while, we've learnt to work around the conflicts but never really addressed the root of the problem -- our personality. After a long discussion, we realized this problem might seem minor for now, but once we move in together and start a family, things will get complicated with the unaddressed conflicts.


By the end of the night, I realized there's so much more required in a marriage than just love, commitment, compatibility, communication and patience. For Wei Jien, he has a better understanding of what to expect in the future when problems arise.

Our support couple taught us this, "You build trust over trust". If your partner knows he/she can tell you anything and everything without being worried you might react badly/use it against them, then he/she will be able to trust you with their deepest emotions. They will share their problems and thoughts with you. That is one of the key foundations to a strong marriage. To me, it's easier said than done. But for the marriage to work, we're going to try our best. 


**We were at their place for dinner again last night, addressing issues such as managing finances and setting life goals as a couple. I found that session difficult, and the questions/obstacles given by our support couple got Wei Jien and I tongue-tied for a while. All this while, we thought we had everything covered and planned out. The fact that we failed to solve a few difficult questions made us realise, that there was still so much to learn and so many areas to strengthen.  

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 3)

The third session of our marriage preparation course touched on commitment. Until recently, I always assumed marriage was just a formality. A step after being in a stable relationship. It is a step after, but marriage means much more than that. Being committed to your partner means factoring him/her into your life. It’s no longer about ‘Me”. It’s now, “Us”. 


Marriage is the closest of human relationships; it is the ideal companionship, in my opinion. A friend once told me, "Aiya...cohabitation is about the same thing as marriage. And I don't have to spend so much money on a wedding." I think marriage is a stronger form of commitment. It is the unity of two beings and a lifetime commitment.

From what I understand, commitment means investing in the marriage, spending quality time with one another and making a point to know what’s happening in each other’s life. A strong marriage requires great commitment and trust, which can break the cycle of failed relationships. No matter how busy the both of you may be, it is always advisable to unwind together and keep abreast with what is happening. The last thing you would want is for your partner to relate his/her worries, feelings and thoughts with colleagues.


Having common interest(s) helps; you can enjoy your favourite activities while spending time together. For example, the both of you may enjoy swimming. Then make it a point to go for swims together and spend time with one another. Setting aside marriage time is very important as it keeps love and romance alive. Date nights at least once a week is good, and make it a point to go for mini vacations together. That way, it will help rekindle romance and strengthen the marriage.


We also learnt that no human being is the same, so there will be times where you don't share the same interests with your partner. In such cases, try setting time aside for the both of you to do the things you love, separately. Wei Jien plays badminton on Tuesday and sometimes futsal on Wednesdays. During that time he spends with his friends, I go out for dinner/drinks with my girlfriends. So far, it has worked for us. He comes home feeling good after a few games, and I come home happy after a few drinks.


Another thing we've learnt is to deal with change of loyalties towards our parents. After marriage, there will be a new centre of gravity, and a new priority: your spouse. This session taught us how to manage emotions and deal with this new structure.The sofa couple that day spoke about how they dealt with their in-laws and living arrangements when they got married -- they live with the husband's mother.


Living with the in-laws isn't ideal for many, but for some, it can be a blessing when you learn a bit of give and take, and respect your in-law's house rules. I also learnt the keyword INTERFACE. For example, say you're not pleased with how your mother-in-law interrupts quality time between the both of you. It is not appropriate (and also not your place) to talk to your mother-in-law about that. Your husband will need to act as an interface and talk to his mother with regards to that matter. He needs to be the one who sets the boundaries. The same thing goes if the situation was reversed. I can't expect Wei Jien to talk to my mother regarding conflicts. I need to be the interface for that.


We will be living with his parents for about a year after we get married, while waiting for our new place to be ready so we found what the sofa couple shared with us very helpful.

FACES Magazine - The Proposal Story

Check out our proposal story in FACES Magazine July/August 2011 issue!

Pre-wedding Photoshoot: Missing Wedding Dress!

I thought I had the pre-wedding photoshoot all planned out. I booked the dresses I wanted, prepared the face ampoules for both Wei Jien and I, coloured my hair, scheduled for my manicure and pedicure session a day before the photoshoot and booked the restaurant of my choice for the outdoor photoshoot. Everything was going according to plan...until I got a phone call from my bridal studio at 5.30pm today (Tuesday, July 5, 2011).

My Lace Wedding Gown

"Sue Lynn ah, I have something to tell you. But please don't be angry," said Fiona, the bridal shop assistant. "The lace gown you reserved for the pre-wedding isn't available," she said, nervously. Apparently, a customer who rented the same gown before me took it to the US, and couldn't bring it back on time for MY pre-wedding photo shoot. She was scheduled to bring it back a week before my shoot, but due to some god-knows-what emergency, she couldn't do so. 

I almost popped a vein!

"What the hell am I going to do without my dress?!!" I replied. All Fiona could do was to apologize repeatedly. I was pissed that this happened, and of all people, TO ME! That was my favourite dress of the 4 dresses I selected, and it had to be the one missing. "I'm not going to try on other gowns! This is the bridal studio's fault. FIX THE PROBLEM!!" I hollered. I was furious. Called Christy (one of my bridesmaid) crying, and she quickly came to see me.


The only solution was to go to the bridal studio and see the alternative gowns Fiona has set aside for me. To be honest, I knew it wasn't entirely her fault. But it was the carelessness of the bridal studio and that customer. Getting to SS2 was horrible; traffic jam, foul mood and all that. At the bridal studio, I hated almost everything I saw.


Fiona tried her best to find me replacement gowns, but I didn't like any of them. They didn't fit me right and I didn't feel comfortable wearing them. "No, no, no. I don't like any of these," I said, frowning. Christy too, didn't like the alternative gowns. They didn't have the wow factor, the way the lace gown had on me. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Why wait until 3 days before the photo shoot to break the news to me?!!" I asked. Before Fiona could answer that question, her colleague intercepted and said, "Aiyo...the bride like that, so how? We also don't want this to happen ma. But already happen, so what to do?"

I even have my face ampoules ready

That "I-don't-give-a-shit reply" enraged me and I told that girl off. Never ruin an apology with an excuse, especially if it's a stupid one. According to Christy, I wasn't even mean to the girls, but Fiona teared up. I had to tell her I wasn't pissed at her, but at the customer and the lack of attention from the bridal studio. After trying more than 10 gowns and rejecting all, I was getting restless and annoyed. This whole thing was a waste of my time. And Christy's time too. All because a selfish bride didn't want to return the dress on time.


Three to four assistants scrambled around the whole shop trying to look for a good enough replacement. They even brought out their brand new gowns for me to try. Usually, new gowns carry an additional surcharge, but they were prepared to waive that for their error. I wasn't impressed with the gowns, new or not. None of them looked like my lace gown and I didn't like the princess cut most of them carried. My lace gown was a mermaid cut.


In the end, I had to settle for a diamante detailed-bridal gown from the new collection. It was no where as nice as the full lace gown I selected, but that was the best of the dresses I've tried. Anyway, I'm just really upset, hence this blogpost.

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 2)

Our second session of TPMC (The Marriage Preparation Course) started off pretty bumpy. See, Wei Jien and I had an argument right before that and I would rather spend 3 hours strangling him than to proceed with the course. But the subject that week was communication and how important good communication is for a strong foundation in marriage.

How to listen to your other half. I believe I speak for the ladies -- we want a husband/partner who can listen and empathize with our situation. Many of us listen, but do we REALLY pay attention to what our other half is saying? What he/she is going through? How he/she feels? Because of that, we fail to understand what is really bothering our partners and the reason they are upset. The key to this is to listen, reflect, listen and EMPATHIZE.


To be honest, when I'm ranting to Wei Jien about work or someone I dislike, I want him to just listen to the crap I holler out. Not give me solutions like..."You should do this, this and this so your boss will stop giving you problems," or "You should treat her this way so you'll feel better." Many of us don't want a problem solver; we want a good listener. The problem solver is a secondary thing, from what I understand and personally feel. 


We also learnt about how different families and upbringing methods mould who we are and what we expect in when we enter a marriage. When I first had dinner with his family and extended family, I was overwhelmed by their constant chatter. But after a few months, I was able to blend in, enjoy their company and follow their conversations.


Wei Jien on the other hand found dinners with my family extremely quiet and serious. I don't blame him. We hardly ate together as a family when I was growing up, simply because we were so pressed for time. I had night tuitions, my father worked late, brother had classes...etc. We only ate together during weekends, and even so, not with relatives. So that's a big difference in terms of our family upbringing. 


Then there are habits of our parents that influence us, in more ways than we would like. My mother never allowed me to use the microwave when I was growing up, but Wei Jien's family uses the microwave for almost everything...including boiling water! I didn't get that, and until today, I don't. 

If there was one sagely advice a support couple gave us that day, it was this: The both of you are playing the same team. It's not about being right or winning. It's about teamwork and understanding, something many couples fail to comprehend. I believe that is one of my biggest weaknesses. I always think Wei Jien is attacking me when he talks about how upset he feels with some of my actions. But what he really wanted was to voice his innermost feelings. The same applies for me too. I guess that's something we need to work on more.


This isn't something we can fix overnight. After all, marriage takes practice, effort and hard work. Like every other thing you do, the more effort you put in, the better you get. We're never going to stop learning about each other. I've known Wei Jien for more than 13 years, and I'm still learning new things about him as the relationship progresses.

Come to think of it, this course isn't so bad after all. It has so far, helped us understand our problems and address them in a proper, loving and more appropriate way. But that doesn't mean we won't have conflicts. We will always have conflicts as we are two very different individuals. However, I hope to learn more about resolving conflicts in the next session this coming Saturday.


Oh...and we went home not feeling angry at each other after that session. :)

The Marriage Preparation Course (Part 1)

Wei Jien and I attended the first session of our wedding preparation course last Saturday. Truth be told, I only enrolled for this because both our parents insisted on it. Also, a good friend of mine thought it would help prepare us for a life of togetherness. I guess it helped him prepare for marriage. 

We made our way to class in Damansara Perdana -- Wei Jien, with an open mind and myself, with my guard up. I'm usually very hesitant when it comes to things I'm unsure of, and this course was one of them. We joined 5 other couples in this marriage preparation course. The people conducting the course were very friendly and understood my reservations. They assured me that my privacy will not be invaded and I can remain in my comfort zone throughout the 6 weeks. That eased my tension, a little.


During the first session, we were asked to do a couple's compatibility test. 165 questions and we had to shade the answers...just like UPSR, PMR and SPM. That was my least favourite part of the course. Wei Jien felt the same way. Support couples (those who have been happily married for years and some who went through the course previously) were there to share their thoughts and experiences. 

Scenarios such as, "Where to live?", "Who takes care of the baby?", "Who does the cooking", "Who should contribute more to the household finances?" and "Who does the chores?" were addressed. We were also asked to label these things according to their importance to us:

1) Myself

2) My spouse

3) My children

4) My work

5) My community

The answers from all of us varied. Even Wei Jien's answers and mine weren't the same. But we were encouraged to talk about it and reason with each other on why we chose our answers. I won't tell you what our answers were, but why don't you do this mini test with your spouse, girlfriend or fiancee? It does help see where the relationship is heading.